Day Two Of The Liver Detox: Why Am I Not Beyonce Yet? WTF?

"Vegan Macaroon Cookie Recipe," I type into my Safari browser on the iPhone 6 Plus taking up all of my hand real estate.

Back bounces a few recipes that are not what I am looking for...

• Some include sugar.
• Some include using evaporated cane sugar.
• Some even include using eggs.

WTF?

"Sugar free Vegan Macaroon Cookie Recipe," I clarify my search intent.

A recipe bounces back using Stevia (no problem) and flour (problem).

Going gluten-free, sugar-free, caffeine-free, nightshade food-free, alcohol-free, non-awesomeness-in-life free is going to be harder than I thought.

"This whole detox thing is far from awesome," I said to myself.  "And I could really use a glass of wine. Or a cup of coffee."

That's when I realize I am standing right in the section of a joint aisle of the wine collection and coffee bean collection. It all smells awesome. Which is not awesome.

In the past (almost) 48 hours I have survived on:

• Kale Smoothies (Kale, Coconut Water, Pineapple, Blueberries, Strawberries, Banana, B Vitamin Supplement, Protein Powder Supplement, and Liver Detox Supplement)
• Arugula & Chicken Breast Salads with Lemon
• Chicken Breasts & Avocado with Coconut Aminos
• Bananas & Coconuts
• A Shit-Ton of Green Tea with Manuka Honey

True, Green Tea Bag... But this detox certainly has a vengeance. 

Truth be told... I have yet to really miss the coffee. Or the sugar.  Or the alcohol. But I was craving the texture of coconut. Badly. And I thought for sure the Sprouts grocery store in Encinitas (of all places in the freaking Bohemian Universe) would have a snacks that met all of my limitations and also had coconut in them.

I was wrong.

And it's not just Sprouts... I ate lunch out today at a vegan cafe, and I had to have them make a special meal for me. Everything had tomatoes or peppers in it! Or soy! (Another no-no.)

Lunch today: Vegan Lettuce Cups

I'm not feeling the withdrawal or pleasurable food and comforting coffee just yet... No, my body has been dealing with something else as a result of this detox. 

Flu like symptoms.

I'm told it's not uncommon for the body to unleash things it's been holding back when you undergo a detox.  I've prided myself - and bragged often - about how I never get sick. Well, a day into the detox, and using the supplements, and my body was all, "Thank you for finally paying attention to me! As a treat, you get to now deal with this energy you've been holding on to. Have fun!"

Mother eff. I'd forgotten what it was like to have a flu. It ain't fun. Stuffed nose. Sore throat. Achey head.

But I'm not giving up. The Kale smoothies are actually pretty good. And it's an excuse to eat a lot of avocados and coconut aminos - which, if you didn't know, taste just like soy sauce. Only they're good for you.

If I looked for deeper meaning into the whole scenario (which, bitch please... you know I have), I could argue that the flu symptoms were my body's way to stave off the coffee withdrawal by forcing me to enjoy green tea and honey.  I'm all, "I feel achey! Wah! I need green tea and bio active honey!" that I don't even crave the coffee.

Magical Manuka Honey.

It's genius, really. Well done, body. Well done.

Now just turn me into Beyonce.