Summer Garden Ready. Pass The Row-zay Dahling!

The past two weekends I have been up in Toronto, The Husband and I have spent quite a bit of time in the back garden, getting things prepped for summer.

Last summer, sad to say, I spent almost NO time in Toronto. With a passport renewal and a lot of work travel, I didn't have much time to come to Toronto from NYC. But a good chunk of June and a few weekends and a whole week in July will be spent in Toronto this summer. So we're taking full advantage of our outdoor living space.

To prep, we've:

• Cleaned the outdoor fridge.
• Cleaned the grill.
• Dug out the the flower bed and put in new soil and Impatiens (flowers).
• Put new soil in the walled bed, so the hostas have some new soil to grow in, as well as added some Impatiens.
• I've attempted (in the correct way) to plant hanging baskets... And happy to say they have survived a full two weeks at least! SUCCESS!
• The outdoor furniture is out and the cushions are cleaned.

The flowers and hostas will continue to grow in over the next few weeks, as well as our hydrangea bushes will get fuller... But here's how things are looking now...

Going to be sitting on that couch.. Drinking rose the next time I am down in two weeks. Yep.  Clearly our hardwork has paid off!

Mastering The Art Of Feeding The Human.

Over the next few months, I will be spending quite a bit of time up here in Toronto. I have a little project I am working on, and it requires my presence up here. Mostly on the weekends. (Sorry, can't be more detailed than that.)

As a side effect of me being here more often, it means Human (The Husband) gets to eat actual meals.

Typically, during the week when we are apart, he relies on two things for dinner:

• The Whole Foods salad bar... Where he gets slices of pizza or sushi, and not salad.
• Frozen, processed chicken or pizza he has in the fridge.

If it is reporting season at work, where lunch is ordered in for them in mass quantities, he'll work later and just eat the leftovers. He is good about having a nice healthy snack before bed though: Greek yogurt and a banana. Human is pretty healthy for the most part though. He only has a drink socially (just one typically) and does not drink coffee. Soda is a very rare treat for him too.

But dinner is his Achilles heel.

It's the end of the day, and he simply has no interest in learning how to cook himself a real meal. Despite my protests that "cooking can be therapeutic!" at the end of a long work day. (Though I am not one to talk.) So I make an effort to put together actual meals for him whenever we are together in Boston or Toronto - which tends to be three nights a week. I arrived on Friday morning this weekend, and went straight to planning a meal for him.

Chicken Piccata

I served it with Baked Risotto; a recipe which I have been making for 10 years.

I also realized I had the ingredients for Sea Salt Chocolate Chip cookies...

Delicious!

So when I fly back to Boston on Tuesday this week, he'll have a sweet snack to nibble on before I see him in Boston again Thursday evening. (This week, he only has to fend for himself for dinner TWICE!)

"The Yoga Is Bigger Than The Man."

In today's training session, I was explaining to Camp (my trainer) everything that is going on with the Bikram community right now... And how I am conflicted - as are a lot of people - about what exactly to do and feel.

First and foremost, I support the victims with claims against him in this situation. My understanding is that while only three have had their accusations move forward in the form of civil cases, there are more to come. I have personally heard Bikram refer to a woman as "Miss Boobs" at my training session. And he has also made derogatory comments about women and gay people in my presence.

Second, while a good chunk of us who become teachers do not like Bikram personally, we have appreciated what he has built with this style of yoga. It's very healing for the spine especially. And while I am unsure if I ever want to teach again, lately I have been struggling to even go to class.

I know some studios I have practiced at praise the yoga far, far, far above the man. But I'm not sure all studios do. And more importantly, I don't know if all teachers do.

There are teachers I know to avoid wherever I practice. Anyone who teaches and tries to be like Bikram with their demeanor and approach are not teachers for me. I like tough teachers, but ones who educate while they teach... Not just spit out verbatim what Bikram says. You should know this yoga so well, after practicing and teaching for a while, that you know how to bring yourself into it and make it a worthwhile experience for your students.

I've asked a few fellow trainees from my class if they are going back to teacher training in the Fall to be re-certified, as we are supposed to be. The responses have varied...

• "I'm not. Flat-out no."
• "You don't need to go back unless you are thinking of opening a studio. Headquarters doesn't audit. And a lot of studios really don't care if you do."
• "I'm going to invest in training with Tony Sanchez instead. Some studios will accept his training as supplemental to TT." 

(Tony Sanchez was one of the first Bikram teachers. He and Bikram had a falling out. Sanchez pushes the "Ghosh" lineage of yoga, which Bikram's yoga comes from. But Bikram's way is different than the way of his guru - Ghosh.)

As I was telling Camp all of this, he pointed out that the style of yoga was much, much bigger than the man.

"Yes!" I said. "But he hasn't realized that and hasn't evolved with how he builds out his legacy." 

Now I feel myself wanting to favor studios that drop his name and let it be known that they do not support what he is alleged to have done to a number of women, how he articulates his "views" on women and gays in the training process, and how treats studio owners and people who want to teach his yoga.

I will get back to the studio. I know I will. I just have to find a way to get past that block of associating him with my practice.

Fixations: May 2013 - Androgynous Chic.

Looking at my pinning on Pinterest and the pages I have dog-eared in magazines over the past month, it's clear I am feeling a Masculin et Feminin vibe. If I am not going for a Bohemian look with my clothes (think tunics, peasant blouses, leather gypsy sandals), chances are I am channeling an androgynous mix of men's inspired pieces with something girlie.

I've also become a bit obsessed with starting my day drinking a deep cup of coffee and reading a magazine. Before I meditate in the morning, I get the coffee maker going. Then I sit down with my headphones on and empty my mind with sticky thoughts for a few moments. After, I grab my cup and open my book of a magazine.

So here are my fixations from the past month (though, admittedly, some of them I have been fixated on for years).

Gucci Horse-Bit Loafers

Classic preppy.


Chuck Taylors

My first pair came to me when I was 10, and in the fifth grade. They were hightop in turquoise. And I wore them everywhere and with everything. Even to Mass on Sundays with a feminine skirt and top. (If I wasn't wearing them, I was likely wearing my calf-high white leather boots with fringe from the Payless Shoe Source that my Mum had bought me.)

Now, I wear them with jeans and leggings... And usually when walking about the neighborhood. I have been known to wear them with a suit for work, though. I love my red ones in particular. A washed-out red.


Men's Chanel J12 Watch

I have been craving a man's watch for about two years now. Specifically, the Chanel J12 watch. The gigantic face against a feminine and slender wrist is just lovely. No dainty feminine watches - thankyouverymuch! The cost of the thing is the one thing that has kept me from indulging in this fixation.


AnOther Magazine

 

I discovered this biannual magazine last Summer. It's thick and takes me months to actually getting around to finishing. And once I am done, I find myself revisiting the stack over time. It's a style gem! The pictorials are stunning. The pages a minimalist, but chockfull of insights on art, books, fashion, travel... So much!


Peet's Major Dickason's Coffee

 

I discovered this blend back in 2004 due to a work friend dragging me to the Peet's in Harvard Square.

I make two cups of this stuff every weekday morning I am in the Boston apartment. It's smooth and delicious.

Hmm... Maybe I should sneak an afternoon cup in?

Must-Have App: Buycott.

Given the community I run around in social network-wise, I tend to be very passionate about understanding where my food comes from these days.

While I love food that I know is bad for me, badly made and addictive... I try to only eat it on very rare occasions. But convenience, man... That will get me every time! It's so easy to run into a corner store after a hot yoga class, or on the way home from work, and pick up some low-calorie but GMO-ridden piece of "food" to quickly go home and make.

"Everything should be made as simple as possible. But not simpler."
- Albert Einstein

This man is one of my heroes. And I had a one point made my eating habits too simple. So simple, in fact, that I either didn't eat or I would eat crap. It wasn't even real food. There are quick things to pick up to eat. But how do I know it's not filled with GMOs or supporting legislation that wants to keep the labeling of GMOs off of products?

Well, "there's an app for that" now.

Buycott is an app that helps you support and buy from brands that support the causes you care about when walking through the grocery store. You select from a number of campaigns (ranging from GMOs, to human rights, to labor, to animal welfare, to LGBTQ equality, etc) they are tracking products against, and when you go to the grocery store (or are in your kitchen and simply curious) you use the app to scan the bar code on the product and it tells you it the product goes against the campaigns you joined or if it is safe to buy.

I tested it on two products I use nearly every day in my kitchen.

Coconut Oil form Whole Foods

Apple Cider Vinegar by Heinz

I scanned each product. And I pretty much knew where the apple cider vinegar would land...

But I wasn't sure about the coconut oil...

Phew! In the clear on that one!

There's been a lot of chat in the yoga community about which is the "best" coconut water out there on the market. For a long time, everyone loved Zico. Including me. Then it was bought by Coca-Cola. And they changed some of the packaging, which changed some of the flavor.

Boo!

Everyone knows glass bottles or the tetra packs are the way to preserve the crisp flavor when not pouring it from a baby coconut directly. I've switched to this brand in the past year...

So I ran it by the Buycott scanner...

Phew!

Meditation... Easier Than You Probably Realize. And Cheaper.

Little known fact about me: I pray every day. Usually before I fall asleep, while lying in bed. And it pretty much consists of me lying on my back with my eyes closed, appearing to be sleeping... Silently making requests of the Universe/God.

Some people have told me "prayer" is like "meditation." For me, that is incorrect. And I very much have wanted to add meditation to my daily routine.

I've also had people tell me that meditation is about "quieting your mind" and "thinking of nothing." I have also found this to be incorrect. As it is freaking impossible to "think of nothing." 

The best form of meditation I had found, for me, to this point was my hot yoga class. (Yes, I now call it "hot yoga." I refuse to call it the other thing.) Thoughts come into your mind, sure. But they exit just as quickly as they entered because the heat and the torture of holding the posture forces you to move on mentally from anything bothering you. It is wonderful and therapeutic.

But still, I envied - badly - those people who could sit still and truly meditate. Emptying their minds for 20-30 minutes at a time? How incredible! How wonderful for their spirit! How jealous am I?

I was at one point so desperate to learn to properly meditate, I even attended a Transcendental Meditation information session in Toronto. While I didn't find the TM crowd to be "cult like" as some others call it, I did find the teachers available to teach it in the area completely lackluster and flaky. None of them that I met at the sessions seemed like they truly had a grasp on how to explain meditation. And when they would tell me, "I have to show you in private or group sessions. And for us to teach you, you have to pay $1500," I laughed.

Oh how I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

I had given up on properly trying to figure out how to meditate, despite downloading numerous apps and even buying a CD at Whole Foods.

"I'm such a phony!" I said to myself. "I will never have a peaceful mind or collect the rewards from daily meditation. I can't sit still!"

But a few weeks ago I came across an article online that confirmed my own findings on meditation and how difficult it seems. It pointed out, however, that all it requires to be successful at is being in a comfortable position...

Allowing your body to relax, as well as your mind... And letting any thoughts that come in and try to consume space, shove them out. Let them come in, acknowledge them, and then let them pass on through. Become aware of what is going on inside you.

Music, white noise or nature sounds do provide a continuous background that let's you focus on breathing and passing of thoughts. So I would recommend downloading a white noise app, as there are tons of them and they are free. As are a few meditation apps.

The important thing for meditation, I have learned, is to not hold on to thoughts. Even if it's just for 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 90 minutes... Letting thoughts pass through and not clutching them to you mentally does a world of good for you. And that's all it takes to meditate. For me, anyway.

I Am A Real Mexican!

I came across a recipe on Pinterest earlier this week that was for making your own tortillas.

Now, most people don't realize this... But I am half Mexican. And have quite the natural instinct for making Mexican food. And get quite nostalgic for Arizona when I am craving legitimate Mexican food. So far, I have found one place in Toronto that is good enough to call "Mexican." And probably one place in Boston as well. NYC had two places that were good enough to earn the "legitimate" stamp.

So, when I found the recipe for tortillas... And saw that it contained no lard in it, I jumped on attempting to make it. My chance to up my Mexican cooking cred!

"They may turn out horribly," I told myself, "but it's worth a shot!"

I had been planning to have Frogger over for dinner with The Husband here in town this weekend. So I knew the two of them would be the perfect guinea pigs for my cooking adventure. I decided I would make the homemade tortillas and carnitas (shredded slow-roasted pork) for dinner.

The tortillas turned out beautiful! Very rustic.

And I made salsa and guacamole from scratch too... Using cilantro, of course.

Beautiful pork butt, cubed, seasoned and ready to roast for a few hours.

The finished product on the table! I picked up a queso fresca (Mexican cheese) block to serve with the tacos.

My gorgeous guacamole and oven-roasted tomato salsa... Which turned out to be quite spicy and amazing!

I know have leftovers of everything but the guacamole. So I will be eating this meal for a few days. But trust me, I'm not complaining!

Now... To conquer making tamales.

Dream: A Kitten & A Pelican.

Yawn. Stretch.

I am getting so used to the long sleep-ins lately. Nearly nine hours last night! Makes it easier when The Husband is in the same city, and sleeping next to me. :)

These longs sleeps, however, typically mean a lot of dream activity. And last night's was definitely one of the weirder ones.

I was in a residence. Looked like my current one here in Boston, actually. I was in what looked like my current bedroom, absent of the furniture. I noticed a pelican in the room. And it started to walk towards me. I panicked. And freaked out. I escaped out of the room, shutting the door. 

The I heard a soft "meow." 

So I nudged the door open and peeked inside. I saw a little white kitten who looked exhausted and scared. I picked it up before the pelican could get to him, and shut the door.

Then I woke up.

The analysis...

• Dreaming of a bedroom represents elements of you that you keep private and hold in from the world.
• Pelicans represent sacrifice, charity and putting others first.
• Escaping in a dream typically signifies a positive turn of events.
• Rescuing something represents an aspect of the self that has been neglected.
• Kittens represent a transition towards independence.

This all makes sense to me.

Last summer, when I decided to move to Boston, that was the first thing I had really done that was for me and me alone. My intention was to move without a job. To just take some time, find one eventually, but live between Toronto and Boston.

The NYC move the year prior was work-related. I was feeding my ego's need to be in a high position and earning a high salary. But feeding the ego is never a healthy thing. And the reality is that the job I had been doing in Toronto, and the job I took in NYC, were very much about putting something else first as a priority. In these instances, it was my ego's need to feel validated by being badly needed. And what happened when I told my boss, "So sorry. But I've decided to move to Boston"? He offered me the chance to take my job with me and work remotely. As exciting as that was ("They still need me!" I thought), it was not a good thing. But I saw it as a sign that it was what i was supposed to do, because it was being offered.

Earlier this week, I was talking to two people and saying that I tend to give my ideas away to others. I tend to also give away my time and good nature to others. It's time I started using my ideas for myself. And my time. But for a person who is so used to feeling validated by serving others, it's hard to get used to the idea of not doing that.

I am very largely driven by ego. And this dream, I feel, is my subconscious telling me to "knock it off." It's being very aggressive about telling me to knock it off lately because I have been entertaining job opportunities that would land me right back in the spot I was four months ago: In a job where I go all in, sacrificing personal time, energy and the kind spirit of my husband and friends.

And maybe I should get a kitten!

I Don't Believe In The Idea Of A Guru.

Those who know me well know that I a very, incredibly, deeply, cynical person.  So much so that even while in college my dad once commented on it.

"How'd you get to be so cynical already?"

My parents have always accepted me as I was. But this one of the few times where he was confused as to where I picked up my cynicism for someone so young and who'd had a pretty good life.

I have no idea where I picked it up, but I've had it since early in my adulthood. And it's here to stay. I'm a positive person overall... But I question EVERYTHING from EVERYONE. I'm super nice on the surface, but ALWAYS hearing my internal dialogue attempt to figure out what the real story is.

This is why, I believe, I was prepared better than most for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.

I went to training three years ago. I blogged and vlogged about the experience. And while I haven't commented much about the experience in detail... I feel it is my duty now to provide people with a sense of what I experienced at training, in the event they are considering going at some point.

Overall, my training experience was very positive. 

I was prepared for what to expect though:

• "Expect Bikram to call you guys nasty names in class. Like "dumb fucks." It's just like basic training in the military. He's trying to break your ego."
• "Expect late nights where he lectures a long time. And you have to attend. You can't leave."
• "Expect late nights where you have to watch loud Bollywood movies till 4am. It's like hazing."
• "Expect there to be people there who automatically fawn over him and think the world begins and ends with his words."
• "Expect to have no time for anything other than yoga, studying postures and anatomy, lectures and whatever sleep you can sneak in between everything."
• "Know that when you come out of training, you'll be ready to lead a class and be a good teacher."

All of this was true. And while at training, I was grateful to have been told all of this. And now, I am very grateful I was prepared this way before going to training. However, I am saddened, because not everyone was given this same insight. And not everyone operated with the same sort of skepticism that I operate from every day.

The most shocking thing to me, even more than the crass language (which we all know I can take and give myself) and the sexist/homophobic comments (which I do not share, but was prepared to expect to hear from him) was the over-enthusiastic fandom some of my fellow trainees had for Bikram.

While I knew to internally call "bullshit" on the diatribe he would randomly dish out, others did not. They were looking to be enlightened and taught by "the guru."

But I did not go to training to be "enlightened." I don't even practice Bikram yoga for enlightenment.

I went to training to be certified to teach this yoga because after practicing for six years (at the time) I knew it was the next step in my own practice journey. I wanted to know as much as possible about each posture, what it helps heal or protect in your body, and how to potentially articulate that to students.  I knew it would be a lot of information crammed into nine weeks of training. And I was prepared for the craziness.

But clearly, many were not.

Right away, there were girls volunteering to brush his hair and hang on his every word as though it were gold. I hung on his every word for the first little while, mostly in the hopes of something that would help me understand a posture better. But after the first few days, it was very clear that the only thing I was going to get from his lectures was the occasional one-liner that was either so hilarious that I had to write it down... Or so offensive that I had to write it down.

We had privately started to refer to them (the fans) as the "Bik Chicks." Those so devoted to giving him the attention he clearly craved. I was in awe of the energy and positivity they must have to spend so much time directly with him... Which the rumors amongst the trainees included the hair brushing, foot massages for him, and hanging out in his room eating and watching movies late at night.

I remember when one of the senior staff members came into our posture clinic class one night...

"Anyone in here a certified massage therapist?" he asked. "Boss (Bikram) wants a massage. Either someone massages him or you all have to stay up late for a lecture."

One sweet woman in my group came forward and volunteered. We were grateful to her, as it meant the rest of us could go to bed early. But the next morning, a few of us were dying to know what happens at those parties Bikram has in his room with the "Bik Chicks."

"It was actually quite funny," she said. "I massaged him while he and the rest of them watched a movie. But they fawn over him even more in the room than they do in the training tent."

So nothing out of the ordinary.

Before I get to the real point of this post, I want to note: I made great friends at training. And it was a great experience for me overall, even with the late nights and the crazy man calling us "weak" and "big babies" when we preferred to go to sleep than stay up and watch a movie with him. I valued every second. And wouldn't change a thing about it, except for the fact that I continued to work for my boss at my agency job, even though I was technically on leave and not being paid. (I am easily guilted. And still bitter about that.)

Okay... Here goes...

I don't, nor have I ever believed Bikram to be my guru.

Training pretty much solidified that for me. All that I have learned in order to be a Bikram yoga teacher has come from the incredible teachers I have had at the studios I have practiced at throughout the world. Other than being forced to learn the dialogue for teaching the class and the timing for teaching a class (which came from the senior teachers at training), I learned nothing else. I made great friends and had a great experience overall... Yes. But did I learn anything from Bikram himself? No.

Training was a means to being able to teach, in the end. I came out of there knowing that I could tough it out with everyone else. But my expectations going in for what to get out of the whole experience were in line with what I walked out with at graduation. I felt badly for people who went into training expecting to share their time with an enlightened, compassionate and stern man... And came out with those expectations destroyed.

And in light of recent news, I feel incredibly guilty that I had a foundation of skepticism and sense of what to really expect when others were very much not prepared. They felt that they had to take every single thing said at training as Gospel. That they felt they had to exhaust themselves in the classes to the point that they fainted or passed out, all just to become a teacher. The reality is, you don't. You show up to classes and lectures on time. You study and recite your dialogue. That is it.

The training program has no other control over you and your time while you are there.

I believe it to be absolutely necessary for studio owners (who have to write a recommendation for a student to even attend training) to prep their trainees the way my studio prepped me. I think otherwise, they are doing a major disservice.

I should point out... I actually don't teach (much) anymore. I did for the first year out of training. I worked full time at my corporate job and did about 2-3 classes a week teaching. I was very good at it. I am a very compassionate and encouraging teacher. I'm not a bitch. And I don't make assumptions that I know what's best for my students' bodies. But ultimately, I chose my career over teaching. And I haven't been back on the podium much since that first year.

Every three years, teachers are expected to go back to training and get re-certified over a few days with Bikram. In light of all that is happening, I don't really want to give another dime to the man. So I am considering not being re-certified under that program.

I'll continue to practice, of course. I started doing this yoga because it wasn't the hippy "spiritual" yoga I had seen done elsewhere. Each posture has a purpose for the body's health. And the order of each posture preps your body for the next one... With the deepest back bend, forward bend, compression, stretching and twisting of the spine coming at the very end. IT'S SCIENCE!

"But you won't get to practice for free!" you may be thinking.

Well, I haven't been practicing for free in the past year and a half, except when I am in Toronto. In both NYC and Boston, because I don't teach at their studios, I did buy annual passes. And I had no issue doing so.

And to be clear: When you practice Bikram yoga at a certified studio, you are not paying any money that goes to Bikram himself. Other than a franchise fee to open their studio, owners do not (to my understanding) pay anything to him. He makes his money from teacher training, seminars, his products, a few studios he owns (like the one in L.A.) and books.

I had a few former students emailing me privately this week, panicked about even practicing. They didn't want to be financially supporting him. I let them know they can still practice. They are not paying any money to him by attending classes.

I wrote this post because many people have asked me over the past few months what my take on the sexual harassment charges was... While I never personally saw Bikram ever touch anyone inappropriately, I did witness first hand his sexist and homophobic comments. I did witness the screaming and the yelling. And I did witness his staff (not all, but some) be incredible dicks to trainees. My only hope is that anyone who goes to training now and in the future feels safe and knows that they have choices. And that there is no one who can provide them "enlightenment".

Enlightenment and peace comes from within. Standing on your own. And knowing you are truly in control of everything you are feeling. Accept what you see and feel. Analyze it. And then let it go. Never be in awe of anyone or anything, except for what you see in the mirror.

Namaste.