"... Too Important ..."

Where did August go?

Where did this year go?

Where has my energy gone?

Is it coming back?

A paranoid thought woke me up at around midnight last night. I woke up thinking I felt physically achey.

"Oh god," I thought. "It's Covid. It's finally got me after four and a half years."

I messaged a friend telling them about my delf-diagnosis.

"You're too important to get sick. Just think your way out of it," was the advice.

I fell back asleep and laid in bed till almost 7am - which is very unlike me. 

I felt hungover. Poorly rested, despite falling asleep before 9pm the night before and sleeping almost 10 hours. I forced myself to make coffee...

I'm not much of a coffee drinker lately. I've been on a medication the past month that has taken away my desire for it. And also for consuming much of anything. It's also made me more focused than usual - which you would think would be a good thing...

But it means I am overproducing and going down rabbit holes fixating on things.

I am completely out of my element.

I feel out of my element.

Or perhaps, said the voice, you've been out of your element and gotten so used to it. Maybe now you're just recognizing that.

"Maybe I am depressed?" I said to the voice.

You're bored. Unchallenged in ways that are productive to you. 

You're using all your mental energy on things that don't return equally to you.

"Oh, that has to be the ego talking."

I'm too important to be dismissed like that. 

And you're too important to waste away into weakness.