Settling In & Dialing Down From 11.

I've lived in California for three months now... And no, I don't feel any closer to a sense of being "settled in" yet.

(Sigh.)

Someone asked me recently how I was "settling in," and I wanted to laugh. I still feel out of sorts.  And it's largely due to not being in my house yet. 

Working from a rental cottage is an issue. My "work space" is also my "living space." And it's not ideal. Sure, I get a ton done working from home... But it feels as though all I am doing is working and living in one space. Once I have the house done, and I have a designated office, it will be much easier to feel like my life is more than just work lately.

I'll be able to turn off at the end of the day. I can shut the door and "leave work."

That will help me feel settled. 

My weekend lately consist of researching/shopping for things for the new home, or traveling to Phoenix. This weekend I dealt with both. And that also adds to the "not feeling settled" part.

Driving the six hours between the two cities isn't bad. It's nice and meditative, actually. I load up at least two of Joe Rogan Experience podcasts onto my iPhone, andI listen to the long-form interviews for hours. It's awesome.

And while it is equally awesome to be able to visit with my family when I come to Phoenix, I feel a little too nomadic still.

Moving west was supposed to be me ending my travels. It was supposed to be me rooting in.

So between the house not being ready yet (though, to my contractor's credit, it is a head of schedule) and the four trips to Phoenix in lass than three months... Plus a week long vacation in Peru... I think it's easy to see why I don't feel settled.

Living in the rental - where it's not my furniture or stuff - is the biggest piece of it. 

When I decided to buy my place - on a whim - I had a few people say to me, "Whoa! Are you sure? Why don't you wait a year and then buy?"

Why? Because I've been waiting and living in spaces that never felt like my own for so long.

• My house in Toronto I was forbidden to change anything but the colors of two rooms... Which I had to fight to do. So the place never really represented me. It represented the people my ex wanted us to be.
• My place in NYC I was barely in for long, because I chose to move to Boston as a compromise with my ex.. Since he just could not stand living between NYC and Toronto. So while I loved the space, it was never going to be mine for long.
• The Boston place was charming.  And I did a lot with it, but would have loved to have done much more. But I didn't own it. And I spend seven months of the last year that I was there traveling around the world. 

So, it hasn't been an easy task of rooting in somewhere in the past five and a half years.  And when I researched places to rent in the area where I want to live, I just couldn't stand the idea of waiting anymore.

There wasn't any need. I'd done enough waiting. Waiting for someone else. Waiting to finish a project. Waiting to see how it was going to turn out.

"Eff that."

This new space is a space I am building out with my imagination and creativity leading the charge. Every part of that space is going to have me in it. And that extends to beneath the walls as well. 

I am settling deeply into that house... No matter how long or short a span I physically live in it.

I will settle into being able to shut off my work each day, and walk away from my desk. 

I will be able to appreciate the charm of the space, knowing that I made it beautiful.

I will cut myself some slack taking a more balanced approach to life and not feel guilty about settling in some place.

It's time I learned it's okay to not live your life always turned up to 11.