Vacationphobia.

One of my co-workers is concerned about me.

They are concerned that I take almost no vacation time. And even when I am on vacation, I still don't detach from things.

I've picked up work calls while in Copenhagen.

Every few weeks last year, they would ask me if I had booked a vacation yet.

Not yet, I am thinking about when and where to go.

They know encourage my team to take at least a week off each quarter... But I don't even come close to doing that for myself.

Yes, I am once again burning myself out... And it close to that time in a job cycle ... You know, the two-year mark.

Anyway... This co-worker has put in their calendar (and mine) a monthly touch base to check if I have booked a vacation. 

😐

We have already have two of them in 2024. And my response both times has been, "You know I have not."

I was about to his "submit" on a return to trip to the jungle for a writing and ayahuasca retreat in later April... But then another co-worker reached out and asked, "Hey! This conference reached out to me to request you to come speak about data and strategy. You're good to do it, right?"

The dates of the conference overlap with the retreat. 

😐

For context, part of my hesitancy to take any time off is because of the constant barage of requests I get all day long.

I can't even have dedicated Focus Time because I am either being pinged via message, emailed, or tagged into project management entries asking for something.

And it's always with a request of, "Any chance I could have that by tomorrow/early next week/I already promised it yesterday to the client and now it is late."

😐

"Why the fuck are you still working there?" a longtime friend asked me late last year.

I told them it was because of my ego. I like saving the day.

Which is true. But it's because I am just afraid to go off and do my own thing. I took this job hoping it would be an easy-going environment where I could establish boundaries I would honor.

Very much not the case.

Yes. I know I need to start looking soon - because I am overdelivering with my experience. And while people are very kind and thankful, it doesn't make up for the imbalance.

"I should consider moving back east and going in-office," I contemplated this weekend.

While I love working from home, it maybe isn't the best solution for someone who can't shut off from work. 

So I think I will be updating my resume... Reaching back out to contacts in NYC, Boston... Even Toronto... And seeing what the landscape looks like for someone like me. 

I just want to not feel drained to the point that I can't even think about taking time off for fear of getting far behind while out of office.