In my mind, at least.
I've learned so much about myself in mid-life - the past few years specifically.
I understand a bit more why I think the way I do. Why I process things the way I do.
And I've always viewed myself as lazy.
But this is because my mind moves much faster than my energy does. It's the ADHD piece. The openness that comes with uncovering my spectrumed operating system.
"You are not lazy," a college friend told me. "You are always moving things forward. Busy with work. With progress."
"It's just not as much for yourself. It's mostly with others."
That last bit he added was a clear truth.
Despite that, I am also incredibly selfish.
I don't like commitments. Not ones that I can't easily walk away from, anyway.
But yes, it takes me a long time to do stuff for myself. The things that pop into my head that sound amazing, clever, or fun.
Like wanting to paint the inside of my house.
As I asat drinking my coffee and reading the paper this past Sunday, I stared into the kitchen wondering if I will ever commit to painting that kitchen. For months now I've known I want to drench it in Farrow & Ball's Sardine - a light grey-blue. I even want to paint the backsplash.
And my main living area... I've wanted to drench that in an almost black color called Railings.
So what's the hold up?
I mentally find any excuse to avoid hiring someone to do the job. These have included:
- I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for someone to do something I should really know how to do myself.
- What if I don't like it?
- Do I really have the energy to tackle this myself?
- I don't want to have to remove things from the walls to get it painted.
But yet, I think about painting both rooms every day.
I made a decision last month that I am not making any major changes to the house this year. Even though I have a list.
Last year it was windows. I replaced all but two of the windows in the old part of the house. Every window was 80+ years old. And the only reason I kept the two that I did was because they are on the front of the house and are part of the reason I have the historical designation on the house - which means I pay just under $2k a year in property taxes.
In 2022, that was the year I installed the solar panels.
In 2021, I redid the kitchen for a second time.
And 2020 was the addition.
So I need a break this year.
But that list... It's getting tackled eventually.
I realized this weekend that if I make it to the end of 2024 in this house, it will have been the longest I have lived in one place since... I lived with my parents.
Same city. Same house.
Can I do it?
Honestly, if I didn't have my dog... I would have moved back east already. New York or Toronto.
A big city.
The dog keeps me grounded.
And committed.
And walking at least two miles a day usually.
But I am still lazy.
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