Soda Commissar.
I wrote this short blurb over two years ago, when I spent five whole weeks at a digital agency in Downtown Crossing as a "Copywriter"... Where it was never requested I write any copy for clients. So I sat at my desk each day and wrote my own shiz. I thought it was worthwhile to post, and perhaps continue the story...
But it doesn't help that, for now, people at work have dubbed me the "Soda Commissar."
The first step towards recovery is to acknowledge you have a problem. And I, Georgie Bennett, do have a problem. A very serious problem. One that's a bit unnerving. One no one could possibly understand.
My problem is my job at a major media company.
My problem is my job at a major media company.
My job can be quite trying some days. I do things, and others cry out in pain. They beg, they plead for mercy. My job is to show them none. Absolutely none. There are rules, and I have to enforce them. Even if you are my very, very best gay boyfriend at work; I can show no favoritism towards you.
I know what you may be thinking... I must work in Human Resources, or perhaps am a high-level manager, where my main role is to manage and boss people around. And since I am saying I have a problem with it, I must not enjoy it. But you are wrong in this assumption.
I do not work in HR. And I am very, very far from being a manager here. (In fact, I have no idea if my career path here would ever even have the potential to lead me into a managerial position.) If anything, I am the company peon. (And this is a large company.) I am the lowest on the totem-pole. No one technically reports into me. But yet, I am here to enforce the rule.
Yep, just one rule.
What is this rule? Well, this is why I have a problem...
I am the "Office Associate." I help out the office managerial team in maintaining and running the company's day-to-day life. It sounds like a really sexy and important job. But it's not. It's merciless.
My specific job duties are to monitor the various company kitchenettes for contraband.
"What?" you may be thinking. But I am being most sincere. I have to patrol all 10 kitchenettes daily and make sure that they are stocked with what we do provide our 500+ employees for free. These things include the following:
"What's not allowed in the fridge?" you ask...
Anything and everything that is NOT on the list above. And I am serious. The biggest offense you can commit, though, is store a can of regular Coke in that fridge. If I see it, I have to toss it immediately. It is not allowed. Nor is any other soda or beverage container. But the biggest offender would be regular Coke.
And you wouldn't believe the cries that I hear from people as they walk in seeing me open their can of Coke, pouring it out in the sink and throwing the can in a completely separate recycling bin from all the other cans. (Contraband sodas get their own recycling bin. This is, I am told, to allow us to see how many people are trying to store contraband soda in the company fridges.)
Why the tough stance on regular coke? That's what SHE wants. SHE hates Coke. SHE detests it. SHE will flip out if she sees it.
SHE is the CEO of this company. CEO and Founder. SHE is the head honcho, the number one banana, the leader. What SHE wants, she gets.
No one who works here knows shy SHE hates regular Coke. We just know she does. So if I don't make damn sure there is no Coke in the fridge, if SHE sees it, I will hear about it from my boss.
But this is where the dilemma is. I am "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." If I don't dump it, per SHE's specific instructions, SHE gets mad. If I do do it, others in the office hate me.
I know what you may be thinking... I must work in Human Resources, or perhaps am a high-level manager, where my main role is to manage and boss people around. And since I am saying I have a problem with it, I must not enjoy it. But you are wrong in this assumption.
I do not work in HR. And I am very, very far from being a manager here. (In fact, I have no idea if my career path here would ever even have the potential to lead me into a managerial position.) If anything, I am the company peon. (And this is a large company.) I am the lowest on the totem-pole. No one technically reports into me. But yet, I am here to enforce the rule.
Yep, just one rule.
What is this rule? Well, this is why I have a problem...
I am the "Office Associate." I help out the office managerial team in maintaining and running the company's day-to-day life. It sounds like a really sexy and important job. But it's not. It's merciless.
My specific job duties are to monitor the various company kitchenettes for contraband.
"What?" you may be thinking. But I am being most sincere. I have to patrol all 10 kitchenettes daily and make sure that they are stocked with what we do provide our 500+ employees for free. These things include the following:
- Individual oatmeal packets.
- Pretzel rods.
- Various coffees made in large, tall urns. (The "Hazelnut Cream" flavor seems to need restocking the most often.)
- Mini vegetable juice cans in the fridge.
- Mini cranberry juice cans in the fridge.
- Lemon-lime and plain seltzer in the fridge.
- And the bane of my bane of my existence... Diet Coke cans in the fridge.
"What's not allowed in the fridge?" you ask...
Anything and everything that is NOT on the list above. And I am serious. The biggest offense you can commit, though, is store a can of regular Coke in that fridge. If I see it, I have to toss it immediately. It is not allowed. Nor is any other soda or beverage container. But the biggest offender would be regular Coke.
And you wouldn't believe the cries that I hear from people as they walk in seeing me open their can of Coke, pouring it out in the sink and throwing the can in a completely separate recycling bin from all the other cans. (Contraband sodas get their own recycling bin. This is, I am told, to allow us to see how many people are trying to store contraband soda in the company fridges.)
Why the tough stance on regular coke? That's what SHE wants. SHE hates Coke. SHE detests it. SHE will flip out if she sees it.
SHE is the CEO of this company. CEO and Founder. SHE is the head honcho, the number one banana, the leader. What SHE wants, she gets.
No one who works here knows shy SHE hates regular Coke. We just know she does. So if I don't make damn sure there is no Coke in the fridge, if SHE sees it, I will hear about it from my boss.
But this is where the dilemma is. I am "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." If I don't dump it, per SHE's specific instructions, SHE gets mad. If I do do it, others in the office hate me.
They beg and plead for me to cut them some slack; especially when SHE isn't even in the office on a particular day. But I can't. There are cameras all over this place. I could get caught on camera not doing my job. It's not worth the risk.
So I go to work every day knowing I will likely royally piss someone off. But as long as it is not SHE, I still have a job. So is it really all that bad if I am hated 9.5 hours a day at work if I get a (minuscule) paycheck twice a month? Got to think "Bigger Picture" here people. Spending a few years at this place will eventually net me a supremo position at an amazing media outlet in the future.
So I go to work every day knowing I will likely royally piss someone off. But as long as it is not SHE, I still have a job. So is it really all that bad if I am hated 9.5 hours a day at work if I get a (minuscule) paycheck twice a month? Got to think "Bigger Picture" here people. Spending a few years at this place will eventually net me a supremo position at an amazing media outlet in the future.
But it doesn't help that, for now, people at work have dubbed me the "Soda Commissar."
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~Tiann