Guy Advice: "Yeah, I'm Not Available..."
Oh my!
One of the sweetest readers, I'll call her "Lulu," of On Common Ground wrote in with a "guy" problem. And she wants some advice.
Here's the "sitch":
"He's a nice guy but I don't want to give him the wrong impression, which I'm afraid somehow already happened...but now I'll end up seeing him at my (fitness job) AND on the bus. At what point do I give him the 'I'm with someone' speech...considering I only see him when there are a bunch of other people around?? And he's a bit awkward so I don't want him to feel more uncomfortable than he has to (me either!), you know."
Totally, Lulu. Totally. In fact, I have a similar story to yours. Indulge me while I share...
It was a Saturday in mid July 2004. I was working out at the Boston Sports Club in Downtown Crossing. There was a guy who worked out there who lived in my building. We always bumped into each other in the elevators, at the gym, and even walking to and from the subway in the mornings.
We would exchange friendly "hellos" and such... But nothing personal was ever discussed. Well, on this particular Saturday morning, I finished working out and was leaving the gym to walk back to my apartment. We ran into each other in the elevator at the gym. And since we both knew we lived in the same building, we decided to just walk together. Before we even mentioned anything persona about ourselves, he asked me if I wanted to go grab a cup of coffee at the Starbucks.
And here's where my dilemma began...
See, I had gotten married about two months prior. On a Thursday afternoon, after work, The Husband and I walked across the street to City Hall and got hitched. We did it this way because 1) he's not a US citizen, and I wanted to have a US marriage certificate for the Green Card paperwork; and 2) I knew if we waited till our end-of-July big wedding to get married, I would probably cry. And I hate crying in public.
BUT... We decided not to exchange rings at the City Hall ceremony. AND, I don't normally wear my engagement ring to the gym when I work out. (It's too big and will get knocked around.) So there I was... Walking home with a guy while wearing no engagement or wedding ring. And he had just asked me to coffee.
So what did I do?
"Oh, I'm sorry Jason," I said. "I would love to go chat. But today's not a good day. My husband and I already have plans."
"You're married?" he asked, nicely. "But where's your ring?"
At this point, I didn't want to go into details about the two wedding ceremonies and such, so I just told him, "The ring is being re-sized for my finger. It was larger than expected."
He bought it. But he never chatted me up again, unfortunately. He was such a nice guy. And I was still fairly new to Boston at the time. So I would have loved a friendship. But clearly, he had other intentions.
We would exchange pleasant "hellos" from time to time. But eventually, even those stopped.
So, what do I think Lulu should do?
In the chance the gentleman calls her to try to make plans with her, she should drop into the conversation, "Oh... I might have plans with my boyfriend, actually." Because even though we can likely guess that the gentleman is interested in her romantically, he never bothered to inquire what her situation was. And she could have easily took his invitation as "someone just being friendly and wanting to invite her to a party."
I wouldn't make a big deal out of telling the gentleman she "has a boyfriend." I would just mention it casually... I mean really... One should never assume another is completely available if a personal conversation hasn't even taken place yet.
I mean, if he had asked Lulu out on a date straight out, that would be a different story. She could say, "Oh, I'm flattered. But I'm actually seeing someone and not available." But things like an invitation to a party (or even a "chat over coffee") could easily be casual too.
One of the sweetest readers, I'll call her "Lulu," of On Common Ground wrote in with a "guy" problem. And she wants some advice.
Here's the "sitch":
- Lulu has a boyfriend she thinks the world of.
- A few nights a week, she works a second job at a fitness establishment. (I'm right there with ya sista! I worked two jobs till I was almost 25.)
- An acquaintance she knows from this other job rides the same bus she does in the mornings to work.
- The first time she saw this guy, the conversation was casual but related to her fitness job. Nothing really "personal" was shared.
- She saw him on the bus again recently and he invited her to a party and asked her to trade numbers. She was on a packed bus, that had heard the entire conversation thus far, so she felt obligated to go along with the trading of the numbers.
"He's a nice guy but I don't want to give him the wrong impression, which I'm afraid somehow already happened...but now I'll end up seeing him at my (fitness job) AND on the bus. At what point do I give him the 'I'm with someone' speech...considering I only see him when there are a bunch of other people around?? And he's a bit awkward so I don't want him to feel more uncomfortable than he has to (me either!), you know."
Totally, Lulu. Totally. In fact, I have a similar story to yours. Indulge me while I share...
It was a Saturday in mid July 2004. I was working out at the Boston Sports Club in Downtown Crossing. There was a guy who worked out there who lived in my building. We always bumped into each other in the elevators, at the gym, and even walking to and from the subway in the mornings.
We would exchange friendly "hellos" and such... But nothing personal was ever discussed. Well, on this particular Saturday morning, I finished working out and was leaving the gym to walk back to my apartment. We ran into each other in the elevator at the gym. And since we both knew we lived in the same building, we decided to just walk together. Before we even mentioned anything persona about ourselves, he asked me if I wanted to go grab a cup of coffee at the Starbucks.
And here's where my dilemma began...
See, I had gotten married about two months prior. On a Thursday afternoon, after work, The Husband and I walked across the street to City Hall and got hitched. We did it this way because 1) he's not a US citizen, and I wanted to have a US marriage certificate for the Green Card paperwork; and 2) I knew if we waited till our end-of-July big wedding to get married, I would probably cry. And I hate crying in public.
BUT... We decided not to exchange rings at the City Hall ceremony. AND, I don't normally wear my engagement ring to the gym when I work out. (It's too big and will get knocked around.) So there I was... Walking home with a guy while wearing no engagement or wedding ring. And he had just asked me to coffee.
So what did I do?
"Oh, I'm sorry Jason," I said. "I would love to go chat. But today's not a good day. My husband and I already have plans."
"You're married?" he asked, nicely. "But where's your ring?"
At this point, I didn't want to go into details about the two wedding ceremonies and such, so I just told him, "The ring is being re-sized for my finger. It was larger than expected."
He bought it. But he never chatted me up again, unfortunately. He was such a nice guy. And I was still fairly new to Boston at the time. So I would have loved a friendship. But clearly, he had other intentions.
We would exchange pleasant "hellos" from time to time. But eventually, even those stopped.
So, what do I think Lulu should do?
In the chance the gentleman calls her to try to make plans with her, she should drop into the conversation, "Oh... I might have plans with my boyfriend, actually." Because even though we can likely guess that the gentleman is interested in her romantically, he never bothered to inquire what her situation was. And she could have easily took his invitation as "someone just being friendly and wanting to invite her to a party."
I wouldn't make a big deal out of telling the gentleman she "has a boyfriend." I would just mention it casually... I mean really... One should never assume another is completely available if a personal conversation hasn't even taken place yet.
I mean, if he had asked Lulu out on a date straight out, that would be a different story. She could say, "Oh, I'm flattered. But I'm actually seeing someone and not available." But things like an invitation to a party (or even a "chat over coffee") could easily be casual too.
Comments
since you're giving out guy-type advice, I'd be curious to get an unbiased opinion. I'm stuck in a bit of a situation.
What should one do if a co-worker is dating a real cad? Like, scary bad-news cad. I know 2 of his exes... why? because he was dating them at the same time. And definitely not with their consent. And he's been known to make threats, etc. C-A-D. So, should I just leave it be, it's not really my business, or is there some girl code-of-ethics where I should at least give her a head's up on the bad news-iness of her new beau?