"Trailing Spouse?"
I was directed to an article on CNN.com today about "trailing spouses."
A trailing spouse is the person in a relationship whose career takes a backseat to their spouse's. Most often, it is the women in a mixed-sex relationship that is the "trailing" partner. This is because, according to the article, "men and women are taught to play very different roles within marriage. Women are socialized to play a homemaking role within the family, whereas men are encouraged to focus on their careers and breadwinning."
Now, while I agree that in any relationship there needs to be compromise and one person will have to give in from time to time, I don't think one person has to be considered the "trailing spouse" over the other. I think by going into a relationship assuming one person is going to be the "trailing" spouse, you automatically de-emphasize that person's career. And whenever that person gets a promotion or flourishes in their career, it won't be seen as significant as the other persons.
I refuse to be a "trailing spouse." I may have moved to Boston to be with my fiance (now husband), but that very much was a "joint decision." When The Husband decided that he wanted to leave his last company a few years back, he asked me - before we were even engaged - where he should look for new employment. What type of companies and locations... He wanted me to know that I had a say in his decision. Nothing would be assumed. I gave him a list of locations that would be cool (Boston, San Francisco, Seattle, London) and a list of locations that I would shit on before I ever moved to them (Florida). If I had insisted that we stay in NYC, we would have... But I was open to being a part of a new city... Just like I am looking forward to being a part of a new city when we move to Toronto next year.
Yes, despite what people may think... We are moving to Toronto because we both want to. In fact, I am one of the people who pushed The Husband into passing the idea of moving to Toronto on to his company. I've been to Toronto a number of times. It is a fantastic city. And The Husband would not be going if I decided that I wasn't okay with it.
But... Come on... It's Toronto. Who doesn't love Toronto?
Bottom line: I don't think anyone should be a "trailing spouse" in a relationship. I think you have to take things as they come and realize that compromise is going to be needed. And I don't agree that one person should be known as the "breadwinner." Because that undermines the other person's salary. I mean, my husband makes a lot more than me. HOWEVER, my salary is no pittance. I could certainly afford to keep myself in the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to... I would just have to cut back to weekly training sessions instead of going twice a week.
A trailing spouse is the person in a relationship whose career takes a backseat to their spouse's. Most often, it is the women in a mixed-sex relationship that is the "trailing" partner. This is because, according to the article, "men and women are taught to play very different roles within marriage. Women are socialized to play a homemaking role within the family, whereas men are encouraged to focus on their careers and breadwinning."
Now, while I agree that in any relationship there needs to be compromise and one person will have to give in from time to time, I don't think one person has to be considered the "trailing spouse" over the other. I think by going into a relationship assuming one person is going to be the "trailing" spouse, you automatically de-emphasize that person's career. And whenever that person gets a promotion or flourishes in their career, it won't be seen as significant as the other persons.
I refuse to be a "trailing spouse." I may have moved to Boston to be with my fiance (now husband), but that very much was a "joint decision." When The Husband decided that he wanted to leave his last company a few years back, he asked me - before we were even engaged - where he should look for new employment. What type of companies and locations... He wanted me to know that I had a say in his decision. Nothing would be assumed. I gave him a list of locations that would be cool (Boston, San Francisco, Seattle, London) and a list of locations that I would shit on before I ever moved to them (Florida). If I had insisted that we stay in NYC, we would have... But I was open to being a part of a new city... Just like I am looking forward to being a part of a new city when we move to Toronto next year.
Yes, despite what people may think... We are moving to Toronto because we both want to. In fact, I am one of the people who pushed The Husband into passing the idea of moving to Toronto on to his company. I've been to Toronto a number of times. It is a fantastic city. And The Husband would not be going if I decided that I wasn't okay with it.
But... Come on... It's Toronto. Who doesn't love Toronto?
Bottom line: I don't think anyone should be a "trailing spouse" in a relationship. I think you have to take things as they come and realize that compromise is going to be needed. And I don't agree that one person should be known as the "breadwinner." Because that undermines the other person's salary. I mean, my husband makes a lot more than me. HOWEVER, my salary is no pittance. I could certainly afford to keep myself in the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to... I would just have to cut back to weekly training sessions instead of going twice a week.
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